Sorrow
by LadyKnight44
Summary: If it was any other day at New Hope Kelary of Mindelan wouldn't be staring out the window into the rain...


Sorrow

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

The soft patter of rain was the only sound to be heard. It was the only sound through New Hope. Keladry of Mindelan stared out the window and didn't move. Silence. It was peaceful at a price. Nothing stirred, and no one spoke. The guards on duty weren't focused, as though hoping an enemy would come to kill them. No one was doing their job and Kel didn't mind. She wasn't doing hers. She stared out over the distances, the fog thickening like steam across the green grass. It was an unusual day for rain, but it reflected off of everyone's moods. No one was going to disturb this peace.

The war was ending, but the fighting still didn't stop. It never would, in her opinion. She knew there would always be tension between Scanra and Tortall unless a marriage between the two countries smoothed things over. That was impossible. King Maggur was unmarried, and had no children. Queen Thayet would never send one of her children to marry him. Kel was thankful for that.

Sorrow was the only emotion that could be felt from New Hope. So much death had taken place and so much pain. Kel knew that it wasn't fair; to tell someone something right before a battle only to have it ripped away. She shifted, just slightly as to not deprive the paralyze quiet that had settled over the entire camp. If she had to be honest with herself, she would admit that she blamed herself. The entire battle had been her fault. She had not been paying attention. Being a victor of this battle was bitter. She did not want the victory so much as she wanted him back. If she could be a prisoner of the Scanra, for a chance for his life she would do it. She would trade her freedom for his life; trade everything she owned, everything she had worked for just to see him again. Sorrow wasn't even adequate for how she felt. It was too light, a fleeting word. She felt dead.

Kel knew in reality that the camp needed her but at the moment; they would have to deal with it without her. She couldn't get up from her seat. She knew eventually she would, but at the moment she just wanted to sit there. For one second, right before that battle she had felt whole and now she felt like she was missing a piece. He had taken it and she knew no matter what she did she would never have it back. Nothing would ever be the same. And that, that was why she hated being a Knight. Why she hated these countries, and wars, and these responsibilities. Why she hated duties, and having people under her command. Why she hated herself for believing that good people didn't die.

To face the facts rarely anyone who was good survived wars. It was as though the people who were bad in a sense survived. No matter what people said about her, she didn't believe she was a good person. She killed people for a living. Even if it was to protect others, even if it was to defend her country wasn't that the same as what the other enemies were doing? They were doing what their liege ordered, just as she was. There was no difference between her and the others. Dom had died doing what she had ordered them to do, and that made her a bad person. She had ordered him, as she had ordered others to go out into the battle field and many of them had died. She had run into Scanra, forcing people to come after her to make sure she didn't kill herself out there. Although they claimed they chose to follow her she knew that they had had no choice but to run after her. She was sure that someone had been punished for her killing Blayce the Gallan and probably innocents that did nothing but sit at court and do as their King wished. Keladry of Mindelan did not believe she was a good person anymore.

She could blame sorrow for her feelings, or perhaps the war but she could also blame herself. She did not want to put the blame on other people for it was not other peoples fault. It was not the enemy soldiers fault for attacking them for they did as she did, and it was not Lord Wyldon's fault for putting her in Command, it was not King Jonathon's fault for defending his country against people who wanted to steal it, and it wasn't the nobles of Scanra's fault for funding the war. For two reasons. One, Tortall was much richer then Scanra and probably always would be and Two they had probably been forced to give money for the war. In disguise that was, taxes that could be said were going to the roads, or to housing the poor could be taken and used for the war. There was no one to blame for what she did but herself and no matter who she wanted to put the blame on, she couldn't do it.

That was why she was sitting there staring out a window into the rain. It was Keladry of Mindelan's fault that Domitan of Masbolle had been killed during battle, and it was her fault she would continue to command despite that.

**A/N: I really like writing one-shots and I was listening to a song called Sorrow by Flyleaf so I used the title as a sort of…prompt? If that's the right word and wrote this. Anyway, I know it's really out of nowhere but I like writing like standalones or whatever you want to call them. They're easier for me to write then chapters after chapters for some reason. Anyway, I'm done with this extremely long Author's Note, as I always have long ones…**


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